faih journey

"The Room"

“I share it here to remind the importance of striving for purity; we need a reminder of God’s grace. A discussion of purity is an exercise in regret – it reminds us of our impurities and the times we’ve failed. This dream called ‘The Room’ is dedicated to you.” – Joshua Harris
“The Room ”
(I kissed dating goodbye-Joshua Harris)
In the place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in the room. There were no distinguishing features save for the one wall covered with small index-card files.
They were like the ones in libraries that list titles by author or subject in alphabetical order. But these, files which stretched from floor to ceiling and seemingly endlessly in the wall of files, the first to catch my attention was one that read “Girls I Have Liked” I opened it and began flipping through the cards. I quickly shut it, shocked to realize that I recognized the names written on each one.
And then without being told, I knew exactly where I was. This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog system for my life. Here were written the actions of my every moment, big and small, in a detail my memory couldn’t match.
A sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled with horror, stirred within me as I began randomly opening files and exploring their contents. Some brought joy and sweet memories; others a sense of shame and regret so intense that I would look over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching. A file named “Friends” was next to one marked “Friends I Have Betrayed.”
The titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird: “Books I Have Read”, “Lies I Have Told”, “Comfort I Have Given”, “Jokes I Have Laughed At”. Some were almost hilarious in their exactness: “Things I’ve Yelled at My Brothers”. Others I couldn’t laugh at: “Things I Have Done in Anger”, “Things I Have Muttered Under My Breath at My Parents”. I never ceased to be surprised by the contents. Often there were man more cards than I expected. Sometimes there were fewer than hoped.
I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life I had lived. Could it be possible that I had the time in my twenty years to write each of these thousands, possibly millions, of cards? But each card confirmed this truth. Eah was written in my own handwriting. Each signed with my signature.
When I pulled out the file marked “songs I Have Listened To”, I realized the files grew to contain their contents. The cards were packed tightly and yet after two or three yards, I hadn’t found the end of the file. I shut it, shamed, not so much by the quality of music, but more by the vast amount of time I knew the file represented.
When I came to a file marked “Lustful Thoughts”, I felt a chill run through my body. I pulled the file out only an inch, not willing to test its size, and drew out a card. I shuddered at its detailed contents. I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded.
Suddenly I felt an almost animal rage. One thought dominated my mind: “No one must ever see these cards! No one must ever see this room! I have to destroy them!” In an insane frenzy I yanked the file out. Its size didn’t matter now. I had to empty it and burn the cards. But as I took the file at one end and began pounding it on the floor, I could nit dislodge a single card. I became desperate and pulled out a card, only to find it as strong as steel when I tried to tear it.
Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned the file to its slot. Leaning my forehead against th e wall, I let out a long, self-pitying sigh. And the I saw it. The title bore “People I Have Shared the Gospel With”. The handle was brighter than those around it, newer, almost unused. I pulled on its handle and a small box not more than three inches long fell into my hands. I could count the cards it contained on one hand.
And the tears came. I began to weep. Sobs so deep that the hurt started in my stomach and shook through me. I fell on my knees and cried. I cried out of my shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all. The rows of file shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes. No one must ever, ever know of this room. I must lock it up and hide the key.
But then as I pushed away the tears. I saw Him. No, please, not Him. Not here. Oh, anyone but Jesus.
I watched helplessly as he began to open the files and read he cards. I couldn’t bear to watch His response. And in the moments I could brings myself to look at His face, I saw a sorrow deeper than my own. He seemed to intuitively go to the worst boxes. Why did he have to read every one?
Finally he turned and look at me from across the room. He looked at me with pity in His eyes. But this was a that didn’t anger me. I dropped my head, covered my face with my hands and began to cry again. He walked over and put His arm around me. He could have said so many things. But He didn’t say a word. He just cried with me.
Then He got up and walked back to the wall of files. Starting at one end of the room, he took out a file and, one by one, began to sign His name over mine on each card.
“No!!” I shouted, rushing to Him. All I could find to say was “no, no”, as I pulled the card from Him. His name shouldn’t be on these cards. But there it was, written in red so rich, so dark, so alive. The name of Jesus covered mine. It was written in His blood.
He gently took the card back. He smiled a sad smile and continued to sign the cards. I don’t think I’ll ever understand how He did it so quickly, but the next instant it seemed I heard Him close the last file and walk back to my side. He placed His hand on my shoulder and said, “It is finished.”
I stood up, and He led me out of the room. There was no lock on its door. There were still cards to be written.

This is more than a heart-warming story. It’s not imaginary. The dream is a picture of what Christ truly accomplished when he died on the cross. He literally took our guilt on himself. And this meant much more than just having His name on a card. It meant receiving punishment from God that all those sinful words and actions deserved.
As Christians, we “know” certain things such as “Jesus loves me” and “Christ died for sinners.” We’ve heard these statements countess times, but the dust of familiarity can dim the glory of these simple truths. We have to brush them off and remind ourselves of their life-transforming power.

the true meaning of life on earth..

it took me a whole lot of struggling days to make me realize that i was being polished and carefully designed to be what i am now and what i will become..

i just want to share what i've learned today and what totally changed my point of view towards life..

i've learned that my life was being planned carefully, being plotted and there is an ending towards it standby and ready, by the most intelligent holy God. it was right there ready for me , just depends on how i live my life right now and how i chose my own path.

i've learned that every minute of your life is tested like writing an exam. where when you have failed you need to retake it. therefore make sure every challenges you faced in your life, face it never QUIT. otherwise you're going to restart over and over again right?

have you ever imagine why some people face unfortunate event in their lives for years and years and never be able to get away from it or even when they did get away from it, the problem just keeps coming back and back again.
have you ever think that maybe, that person has failed to finish with victory toward their problem, therefore he kept on receiving same type of trouble...

life is like a game full of challenges, when you finished one then you moved on to the harder level and so on and so on.
have you ever wonder why is it so,,

life is like a stage play where God is the director and there is no script for you to follow, just hope, advices, examples, helps and miracles are on the way..
have you ever wonder why is it so,,

life is full of colour, its not just black and white, liike how some people would like to see it.
have you ever wonder why is it so,,


that is because, you are all children of god he is full of love for his creation. he wanted to save all of us towards the sacrifixion of his beloved son named jesus.
he is not selfish, that's why he let us choose our path
he is not pushy, that's why there are option
he is forgiving, that's why we're not punished though we do sin
he is out of ordinary, that's why all the unthinkable had happens to us

through his sacrifeced son, we the sins one can come back to him and receive what he has promise for us 'eternal life called heaven'.

i thank god that today my eyes were opened and has helped faced my difficulties through life by giving me hope and by faith i stand in his way toward the promised land....

may u be blessed by what i have learned today too..

healthy relationship..

today was the graduation ceremony of my sister, it got me thinking, when the time comes for me , am i ready to step into a working world, all the responsibility, the day you become accountable to the world and what you do next wasn't your parents responsibilities anymore. well i wear a skirt that i made on my own, it's a handmade work

yesterday, my sister had a fight with her boyfriend, well her bf was kind a scumbag at that moment. I realize then, what a women truly needs from a man was the appreciation of herself, the work that she has done and nothing is less important than that. when a girl is in love, all she needs is chemistry and when a women is in love all she need is an appreciation from the man she love. you see from the word appreciation itself, women can do almost anything, sacrifice her time, energy, and be more patient. that's the art of love actually. there are great examples you can see from a mother with children, she works hard daily never stop taking care of her children,not only that she also manages the money flowing in the house, take care of her husbands needs and lots more. when a tired working husband comes home, she take cares of him with great love, but when her husband tell her only simple kind of appreciation like, "thank you dear", a smile appears again at her face and all the work she had done means something to be proud of. in a healthy relationship "all man needs to be respected and women needs an appreciation with love."

define me?..... (part 1)

define you? is sometimes the hardest question to answer to. it's certainly something that you cannot say in a sentences or even in a line or a book. even myself cannot answer this question, cause you seem to be changing every minute and it does bugs me alot sometimes cause "when i don't even know myself, then how can others". well, sometimes the way i see things make other people misunderstand of what i actually means. this few days i've been thinking on how to say it, my standard values toward life.

this what defines me now:
- when i see things, i like it to see it in different ways, i like something that is unique, like the art side of it.

- when it comes to fashion, i like it to natural, not too simple and i like to make my own clothes. you can describe it as, sweet but edgy , elegant classic and original. here is example of clothes i made (photos at the top). people says that i am in the wrong major which is marketing , and i should take fashion designer. that's how people likes my fashion sense

- i don't like to lie, though sometimes i lie for good reason. but on daily basis, i don't lie. i'm very sportif person. weirdly though, my dad teach me and told me to lie, i don't get it.. but my dad say when you lie, then you'll know when others lie to you, it's for your own greater good future, cause he said that in business world it's very tough and lot's of lies around you.

-but i believe that "what you do is what you'll get in return" .
i certainly trust and believes in that, i know that though sometimes the world just pushes you into doing bad things or you don't realize that you are doing bad things, DONT DO IT and STOP doing it!!! even when it seems there's no other way, just DON't. trust me when you do it then you wouldn't know what's right or wrong anymor, you will just think of it as the nothing is wrong about being bad. for example: i like to go clubbing and it's bad for you, but because i used to do it, i don't even know why it's bad to do in the begginning. does anyone knows why?
you see sometimes "a start of doing something when you know it's wrong, just changes and flips your way of thingking just in seconds and forever." this exactly what makes people SICK and TWISTED,. just like what me and my friends had experienced.

-i tend to be too positive that i ran away from the truth,
like back then i used to smoke a cigarette when i want to, then i told myself (" okay, i wouldn't get addicted cause i know that i'm smart and i won't get addicted, and i'll not get sick cause i smoke only when i want to and i dont inhale it, i just puff the smoke and enjoy the thrills, so in that way i won't get sick.") you see how sometimes being too positives can turns you into doing a bad thing but you take it as a good thing.. so what i learn that time was just be real.. come on you smoke, you die.. as simple as that.

- i also like things been done practically, i don't like to do something and finish it very long time. like when i got work to do, at first i would think how to finish it quickly but doing it right, so i like to invent my own creative ways to finish it. i just don't like sticking to a procedure, though sometimes you need too, i just don't like it. but, somehow, when people see me do this stuff they think of me as a verylazy person. i just don't want to waste my time doing unnecessary things, just do what's important.

-i'm very competitive, but honest..

- i like to observes things , which makes me to just wonders off sometimes anywhere, anytime. i like to ask question about it and answer it alone.

- i like things perfectly, not being too perfectionist , i like to close my eyes for certain things. eg: when i see something i like to see it in it's best form, balanced and just pretty. eg: if i see an add or something i like to comment it and when i see something just perfect for me, i'll be so amazed and talk about it foe certain period. however, i also admire flaws, wel you might say i like the extreme,"when it's supposed to be beautiful, then don't just be pretty, be beautiful."

-i know that i like to talk about people and gossip about them, it makes me very unlikable to others. but that's me. well i 've been trying to change that, and i succeed, but it gives result of "the silent ria". don't you thinks it's weird see me all so quiet and all. well, i kind of like it, it makes me seem mysterious and all.

-i like to aim high, but i just don't have the intergrity for it.. i'm very moody, just like when i try to loss weight, i really tried hard for it, like i can wake up really early in the morning and do sport, starve myself and eat right, but after 3 weeks and so, when results just seems very way off. tick, i change to like yea whatever, don't care bla bla. bla.. i myself ashamed of it, this way people don't take me seriously when i try to start all over again , just lost the respect of everyone. well, what you can say, what happens, happens i learned from the very rocky side of it..

- when it comes to sense of music, i don't just like any popular music, big big bang boom or whatever comes into the charts,. i like to feel it , how does it makes me feel, is there anything behind it's appearance, like the meaningful lyrics, the voice quality of the singer, i like it to be original and there's something more than what you just listen to, some people say i've got a weird sense of music..

history of my fam...

well i just dicovered today, after talking to my mom, that her mother was one of the most beautiful chinese lady in indonesia.. well she said that her mom had many suitors back then..

first of all, my great grandparents immigrate to indo from china.. well my great grandmother from my mother side of the family was said to be one of many wifes of chinese king (don't know which king) and she ran away with one of the chinese soldier to jkt.. during the journey at that time my great grndparents meet another family a little small girl was following them and she is older that their daughter that hapens to be my grandmother from my mom side.. and the little girl that was following my granparents happens to be my grandmother too from my dad's side.. soo funny realizing what a small world it is..

then later on, my grandmother from my mom side and my other grandmother,, became these beautiful lady at that time, they were nicknanamed as the fairies of goddess.. (i myself find it hard to believe) . my mom saide that they were both have a really smooth and thick long hair, fair skin and wide eyes, my grndma froom dad side have brown mixed blue eyes.... these were the criterias wanted most by chinese guys in indonesia at that time..

well then i do believe that they were beautiful, as believe it or not my 70 year old grandmom from dad side ,still have this firm, smooth, fair colored skin , even when compared to mine(17 yrs old) her's was still smoother, and sometimes those old people have a black dots on their skin somelike pigments problem and all that, but gues what my grandma doesn't have those stuff.. well as she get older her eyes have bllue circles around them unlike others that were having white circles around their black eyeballs..
whereas, my grandma from mother side, still have a pretty face at the age of 65yrsold.. well im proud of them..

my situation now..

left:(2 years ago,still the happy-go-lucky girl)

right:(the now me)

well i seem to forget who i used to be,.. hectic life of high school seems to be so far away from me now.. nowadays all i do is go to univ. and go home , eat, sleep and internet..
what happen to my beautiful, busy life..
even my character change.. my friends were all gone to other countries, where the one stays in indo are still there, but it doesn't fell like what they used to be.. i'm in a state of confusion and stress and especialy an-sos (antisocial) i don't seem like to be a friend to anyone nowadays, don't feel like one either..

while just then i saw photo album of me (facebook) when i'm in highschool with all my dearest friend i look so happy wild crazy and alll. no fake smile and laughs.. all the photo comments was,
-wow ria is such a happy go lucky girl and all.
- all jokes about me and all
what happen to me i seem to be miserable.. i used to have a high ups and down in life facing many problems, well not that i ask for one, it's just that my life seems so stable in the middle of life's meter level... no problems to be wrried about just that i'm scared of changing into a unhappy girl .. and stress free... well in addition to that nothing to celebrates about.. allf of them seems dull and lost.. i guess i need to go party and need my bitchess back damn much.. hhaha

paradise city..JKt

somewhat you can say that indonesia is supposed to be the wealthiest country in the world with all that nature's own fuel and vegetation.. however too many corruption and less of ethics make indonesia as one of the developing country.. somehow i feel really sad for my country.. well with the tragedy happen in indonesia people dont care, instead they focus on what: gossip, supernatural stuff happen (especially those dukun named ponari..) what happen to the brain of all these people..

well, people in the city like the spoiled rich kids can have what they want mostly by flips of hands. ahhaha.. it's not what you can imagine mostly, but since it's become a culture to us, nobody realize how easy life is actually..

-cleaning stuff at home= done by housemaid,
-travel to somewhere you want= driver is available full time,
-party till u get sick or CLUBs, booze, cigar (age limit=nothing,, if u look pretty)=money you get from your dad,
-when you seem to be stupid at school and you can't graduate, you can just pay through school and voila some kind of magic done and you later on graduate and smiling infront of the camera with your graduation cap on..
- the taxi here= mercedes, alphard and etc..
- when you get caught of driving recklessly by the police= put some money under your driver's license card and you're free to go.. hahah
- hooker, even she/male prostitution are out in the street= what rp50,000 (usd$1=rp 10000)
- branded stuff like (LV, Chanel &etc) = available at scertain malss with the second quality or first quality n etc for cheap price
-racing and all those you see in movies hahah seriously happens here, just around the blocks.
-dvd's, cd, mp3 of any kind are available.. cheap too
- and when you're fed up with the noise of the city, one hour ride to the hillside (puncak) gives u a taste of fresh air, just ask your parents for the keys to your villa.. (for ur info, most of families in jkt have villas in puncak or bandung)

well you see how money operates in this city.. it's like paradise of what you want.
it's crazy sometimes when you sit back and discover my city.. it's like in one of those places in novels and mvies.. however, with the standing of my blogs name realandexist.. this stuff is real..

the tradition

Okay some of what, I hate the most from chinese tradition is that, a wife or kids will never have an opinion that the husband would follow and some man-domination kind of world and good names is what people all will hear from the family. The man is the ruler of the family or you may as called it as the king of the house, and he may also chopped your head off whenever you disobeyed. It’s like what “jewish or ancient” ..In this situation, how in the world a girl like me don’t have multiple-personality, well most of my friend are like me and they don’t even know that, as they’re foolishly can’t accept that they have an issue with craziness. Whoever quoted that “just be yourself, so people loves you” is freakingly bullshit in my world.

Well most of my friend are sexually active but infront of their family they’re holy virgin, dady’s little girl.. well, sometimes I freakishly wanted to shout infront of her parents saying that “can’t you see that your freaking daughter is not a little kid and she’s not a virgin anymore.” Just so that they can back off a litlle from abandoning her from doing this and that. Even clothes we wear is also something to argue with our parents gosh..

Luckily, my parents aren’t that bad is just that I’m tired of having a friend who calls me for like what 2 hours in the middle of the night sobbing, just to tell me how sick they’re with their parents.. I need some sleep people, really I need to..

Wise quotation of the day:” having a multiple-personality can save your life”

introo..

Well I supposed writing a blog was my resolution for the year 2009.. at first introducing myself as a chinese teenage girl who lived in jakarta with a half chinese and half don’t know what tradition..

Well I was never one of those smart girls that gets an “a” everytime, but I’ve been there, done that once when I was in primary school.. probaly this was the effect of “alcohol and smoking at young age” you get stupider and stupider. Well but guess what ,atleast I got to university at the age of 16 years old, guess I’m not that stupid yet. People mostly reacted to that statement will be either shocked with amazement or they don’t believe that I am 16.. haha but here in jakarta, though not a lot of them are aware that ‘o level’ are available at internatinal school here in jakarta,if you’re one of those people get more informed.. haha..

Okay my family financial status, some people may say that my family was rich, but I will never say that. Though I lived on one of the most elegant looking area ,where you can see the beach and joggs everyday with lots of fancy bachelorate and rich ones hanging around andyou attend one of the most rip-off universities you may know in indonesia. Well you can say that I was a “retired-rich family”, where retired gets underlined haha. My dad was rich with lots of numbers in his bank account, but I never get to enjoy that like others kids with my status.. he’s super duper stingy with his own daughter. And I lived in my own world of poorness,that my dad will never understand.. well let yourself judge this,

your dad spents millions of rupiah to get a tshirt and he didn’t buy you an ipod that you begged for almost all of your life,

your dad buys two new cars with the same type but different colour, and didn’t buy you a new mobile phone and you’re forced to lived forever with your mobile that have no bluetooth or some of that fancy internet things you can do with your phone”blackberry”.

Just tell me how can I live in this modern life with no gadgets and money.. ohh ya and one more thing he never raised my money allowances since I was in 7th grade in high school.. may god bless him and wake him up.

Enough with my dad, I have a friend that is spread around the world. Well you may call it a gang or whatever or “7 wonders”, we used to own our high school. I came up with that name, as I will explained further on, that we’re uniquely attractive, funny and smart just like the 7 wonders of the world. We’re one of those historical batch in “Universal International School” leavers of 2008.we get to lots of trouble, scoldings from our freaky principal who is as big as a “grizzly bear” but no matter what we do, the teachers still loves us and always ask us to organize or join the events in school. Well some of us were a talented dancer,some were talented musician, some were popular with their beauty and a talented entertainer with high level of humours. But afterall, we’re not fancy characters you see in comic or television, we’re real and exist.

Okay, some of my personal info, I was one of those people what they may called as wise and funny, as whenever my friend told me their problems, I give them my wise smile and understanding expression though sometimes I don’t really understand what they’re saying, and give them quoted ideas… and because I took care of myself really well in my full problematic lifes to solve… I was a good girl infront of my families and never was one at school/university or societies. People called me bad girl, cause I loves clubbing though it’s prohibbited as you’re still 16 and sometimes I like to smoke but never the addicted ones, cause those people are idiots, well and I used to lie alot to my parents. People mostly understood myself as the mysterius smart girl with bad moodswings and I don’t get it, why all people knows that I’m a girl full of problems. I never expressed my problems at public. Also, I was nicknamed crazy as I could jump around wildly one minute and sad anoher minute or sometimes cranky haha.. also other thing I don’t get it why people says I’m smart where I just pass (50/100) for my first semester exam in universities.

I’m also the good girl of my family, well I’m one of those multiple-personality psycho. Well I’m an active singer in one of christian church in jakarta and I used to go to charity a lot with friends and I always play the role of good daughter infront of my parents and fanily . or you may decribe this as “half a week I’m a real good girl and the other half I’m bad” as i believes in heaven and balance in life.. hahha i was once a sober from doing bad things but your surrounding especially in jakarta never ever supports you for being good. Hahaha.

Wise quotation of the day: “everything that is constant in this world, is ‘change’ and ‘balance’.”