settling back in Jakarta

this is me back in jakarta. basically during the first few weks i was tottaly loathing myself with the pleasure of having mom and daddy... totally spend my days with them just to hang around. and how much i wished that all the kids could so much value the time they have with their parents and the peace of mind and the sense of belonging that couldnt be replace no matter how much friends you have out there...

after all those hard times i've been through, i never imagine how changed of a person i could be today .

how much i value my parents and just inhale a few deep breath when they drown you with their overly caring attitude that may sometimes comes accross as annoying.

how i also value those that works, even when they have no titles, even when their works is insignificant, and of lower statues. a new level of respects should be shown to them with your attitude and ways of communicating.

how much i valued education and time, that i should do good in studies as i've experienced how times couldn't be turned back and all you got in the future is regret when you dont use it effectively.

in choosing friends also you need to be careful with, as there a saying that says "to know a person, look at their 5 closest friends"

its just alot to be swallowed sometimes and how i know now that nothing comes perfect and how i should rest all my worries to God only and do your part right.. and not all parts should be yours to handle

i sometimes wonderes how i would turn out to be when im a grown up, what kind of a person with what impact that i could be to the world.

i remember the times when i used to set goals to set my values, character, attitudes and achievement. i felt proud somehow that i've reached all those that i've dreamed in terms of attitudes, characters and values. however, i still need to make an achievement in life

my vision somehow becames blurry now, i somehow losses passion as almost nearly ive reached my goals and i dont have new goals to reach them not because im lay or what.

setting goals are suppose to be daring and now i seem to hav lost that daring and fightiing spirit,.. somehow i stopped myself with excuses that is non-sense thinking that those with opinion that they blurted out without thinking are just an obnoxious people.

i do have dreams when i was small

dreams to be someone influential and i used to think with successfull business and owning lots of money could influence people.

but now i think it aint that easy, having business your own, is not easy even now i dont know where to start from, what type of people i should meet and

another starry night full of my weariness

it's the beginning of february, yet a month had passed in this new year and its chinese new year too..

i dont know what to feel, how to see maybe im blinded by sadness but i dont want to complainnn.. thats just the ground ruless

NEVER COMPLAINN!!!

ya tuhhaann i dont know what to do next

things are falling apart and i just cant seemm to tamed this JEALOUS FULL OF MEANNESS AND TRYING TO SEE PRICE-TAG OF EVERYONE AND HOW THEY GET IT AND NOT ME ........

well what ive known im very happy that my second brother go through his muslim-dillema girlfriend that tries to convert him into muslim and just holding him back in everything, well now even he is wounded he goes with faith and knows he had one, he started to get back ontoo his feet.... AND HE GOT the promotion the job he applied for so many times but rejected until this week.. huh eeeaaahhaaa right just after he broke up with his 3 times girlfriend..

another weary things its this two years apart from family started to bugg me.. chinese new year was one day where it is very busy in our family where you get to meet everyone for one day and share laughters and meals together with everyone and I GOT TO MISSED IT AGAIN FOR THE SECOND TIME..... and whats worse im not doing anything in this country no plans no celebration awhahaha.....

to makes it worsee. my dadddd he falls off from a ladder yupp thats right a ladder he's not the guy that is supposed to be on the ladder and guess what he broke his legs and not wanting to see a doctor or get it treated. his stubborness is getting worse and worsee and doctor says from seeing the xray that his feet is going to be shortened after it is healed from being crashed... i know i meant to be hopefull for a miracle that i know exist and experience for i know i was meant to pray for it instead of writing this blog foolishly declaring it.. i was meant to pray

however that wasnt all,, i am now jobless didnt know why suudeenly i didnt get a shift and now im moving into nightfiller which is sometime i only work once a week.. my scholl that ive been doing the past 6 month with my own money doing cert IV in business admin, Is not c

yup thats the topic for this time i guess i need to learn more about prayersss.....succesfull and i have to reenrol for two subjects and now after 2 times going to enrollments process there still no news.. ahahhahahahaha......... and now ii wnat more money but i am lazy im just becomiing lazy and lazier i guesss and i dont know what to do....

dear Jesus in heaven the one whose heart is like a steady clean waterfall and deep like ocean, whose hand are strong like the mountain, whose eyes are filled of love and whose smiles shines joy, whose character are so constant and faithful like no one could explain it.. whose words are full of hopess....... please give me not only knowledge but understanding of what is going through nowadays, ive been avoiding talking to you i ve been running away trying not to pray, but i dont feel right i want to know and understand what to do next lordd.. i know that i shall still commit in serving and i still do eventhough i know deep inside those are small.. my mind is full of confusion, i am full of sinn ooh lorrd please forgive my desire and beeing dirty please forgive me and turns me away from my wrong doing thingsss... i ve been thinking for awhile maybe this is my punishment from my wrongdoings or something.. but goddd i dont know who to turn too except you.. only you i can tell everything....

oh lord i used to remember just then probably two years ago im still like thiss freshh fishhhh out of water discovering the world, full of dream and thing i wanted to do.. and oh god how those years have passed and now i dont seem to have dreams or even plans of future anymore.. i dont know what has happened .. its like a part of my childhood is gone.. and now here i am lord standing getting ready for beinng a 19 year old, but felt so ollldd allready..

sometimes i felt like i know im doing wrong and constraining myself for not doing it but still do and afterwads i felt hopeless.. just like now i know i am meant to not complain and to know that all this happen for a good reaon that i know you are out there ready looking out for me..

oh good plase help me tamed this mouth full of complaintss... pleas ehelp me clear this mind full of confusion and please cleanse this heart from my wrongdoingss.. please show me the way ahead on what to do next god please reveal to me what i shall do now!!

ooh father please dont be mad i know everytime i pray it is alwas mee mee i iii iiii... i am not that strong and pure hearted i am not that strong and still needs you to help me cleanse this heart, stop this mouth and shine this mind.....

i felt the guilt and ashamed and weary and tired and so much more however i hold onto you lord the god i know that provides, that forgive, tht is omnipotent and everlasting....

god you know i love you and i got nothing except you... forgive my nonsense this night im just sad for i dont know what reason...

i know tht tommorow i will forget everything and things will get clearer and clearer....

i love you father, advisor, god, jesus and so many other names...

xoxoxxx

TRIALS IN 2011 the golden year of multiplication and promotion

the beggining of the year again... i used to write a resolution for the begginning year and this year i just cant seem to do it...

this melancholy started from the end of the year of 2010. in october i was like happy yay, wow i nearly reached all my goal for the year.. but as months passed toward the end of the year, the chaos started. in a perfect-i-think-i've-got-everything-and-happy state, started to downfall into omg-nothing-is-right state.

i became speechless when i started to apply for a better job because i've got direction from the word of god that opens my eyes and told me to put more effort towards hope, cause he doesn't want their people to be just like that but to move forward and be more. in hebrew 6 " hold faithfully onto hope". in a state where i nearly finished my cert4 at tafe and glad with the current job where at least i got $350/week and i didn't want to move anywhere until the month of july where i could go back to indo and i just receive a grand of tax refund. everything goes so smooth until the time i applied at NAB. one of the big four bank and in the top 20 in the world.

at first, i was applying there with no hope for being accepted i was just doing the word of god to give an effort and put myself in a place to grow and be more. but the time i passed the resume stage then it goes to stage 1 test and the i succedded, then i think maybe this is what god wants and yay i really am moving forward. and then stage 2 test comes and i started to lose hope as it was so hard, but guess what i passed again and even the i got a call that in one of the test i got the top scores. i was then having this big hope of moving forward and everyone else surround me were also moving forward.. like probably 3 of them are also in the progress of moving forward. right there and then i thought thanks gos for giving me the oppurtunity to step forward where i even haven't hope for.

then the stage where i got into a group interview, where there's 20 other most of them got their relatives working as branch manager or manager, and have masters degree and stuff, where i got nothing but experience at small retailers. but even that was facing me i still have a strain of hope left as i believed that i have a magnificent god that can make a remarkable event with a person who have nothing. i always believe that.

but a week passed i got 2 major bad news calls, 1 is from the place where i work at, saying that i got no more work there and they didn't want me there anymore and this is nit because of me not being good, but because they want full time available casual, well i just accept it like that with not much consideration and thinking that it is sort of a good news in which if i got accepted at nab then i dont need to speak for quitting my current job. ahhahaha yes u can laugh it all loud then i got a call from nab that i wasnt accepted as well ahahhaha because others have more experienced then i am. ahahhahaha yes now i am joblesss.... yess that os right. jobless, finished school and hurt for all of it. it's as if i got a candy infront of me being told that you could have it but then it is taken away from me again,....

for 2 days i didnt left my room, i wanted to blame god but i cant cause i just cant, and i wanted to blame myself but i also cant, cause even in the first place i didnt eeven want the job and satisfied with myself, and the i want to cry but i cant cause that is just not mature. i still wanted to thank god though, that atleast i still have job as night filler

then i started to gain myself back by thinking allright that means it is a holiday for me, december passed and january comes and i tried again applying without even remembering where i applya hahahaha.. and then i got a call from hbf and bridal selection to come for an interview,

yup at the same day i got 2 interview, it started to make me be more happy then before. i didnt really wanted the job cause 1 is call center and u know call center and the other 1 is so far from house. then th hbf started to allure me in , by atteding the info night i started to liking the job they offer, and the time was abolutely what im looking for with the environment and the oppurtunity to able to step up.....

i am then thinking of continuing my studies here if i got accepted i started to liking the idea of continuing my studies here, with also the friend that i can be with if i stay here, with the church that i am welcome in and the environment that i love. i started to think maybe this is a beter plan got has for me.. yay it started to make sense. and then i go into the test stage and i guess what didn't get it again.. this time i felt like been knocked to the ground really hard its the seond time and his happened in the year where it is said as the golden year...

yuppp im heart broken again and harder as this time i started to hope for continuing studies here, and nw i just felt i wnated to go home directly. i dont know what to think i dont know what to feel i dont know hoe to say it, but i got supprt from friends and stuff it soothe me a little but still i felt like a failure again oooooo so i just watch movies day to night night to day, without having any progress and this is what i hate most having no progreesss.. goshhhh....

and because of this i cant write my resolution and i dont want to miss it, starting of the year started to end soon.. and i still havent had any resolution

however i wanted to share the things that soothe me, is that yes god never leaves you, goood things is that you become zero again in order to become more thats gods way, i can go back home wiht no attachment here probably and i dont know.

i would like to apologize to you god all i know is to compare me with others and complain and being such a jerk i know that if i havent done anything much for the changes i want then i shouldnt have complain but maje he changes. this are very true, and i shouldnt have lost faith with you cause all these trials i been through lately are nothing compare to what ive been through, i know lord you may have been ashamed by me one of your kids whose just a small candy taken away from her and its not even hers yet allready being grumpy

i should've been more faithfull and obidient to you lord i know that but help me go through this and now i realixze that i am nothing without your support and me being running away from you this coplus of weeks had resulted in bad2 outcome.. i know i've surrendered all of me to you, but it is easier said then done, lord teach me to be more like your son jesus...... teach me to really2 surrendered everything to you lord not just been said but to be done as well.. give me strength and new hpe, renewed my faith o lord... i love you and my love had to be mature lord, give me the knowledge to able to love you like a mature person.... and please dont be mad of me for what i've done i want to turn away from my sin from my selfishness from my bad characters from my complaintsss...