this melancholy started from the end of the year of 2010. in october i was like happy yay, wow i nearly reached all my goal for the year.. but as months passed toward the end of the year, the chaos started. in a perfect-i-think-i've-got-everything-and-happy state, started to downfall into omg-nothing-is-right state.
i became speechless when i started to apply for a better job because i've got direction from the word of god that opens my eyes and told me to put more effort towards hope, cause he doesn't want their people to be just like that but to move forward and be more. in hebrew 6 " hold faithfully onto hope". in a state where i nearly finished my cert4 at tafe and glad with the current job where at least i got $350/week and i didn't want to move anywhere until the month of july where i could go back to indo and i just receive a grand of tax refund. everything goes so smooth until the time i applied at NAB. one of the big four bank and in the top 20 in the world.
at first, i was applying there with no hope for being accepted i was just doing the word of god to give an effort and put myself in a place to grow and be more. but the time i passed the resume stage then it goes to stage 1 test and the i succedded, then i think maybe this is what god wants and yay i really am moving forward. and then stage 2 test comes and i started to lose hope as it was so hard, but guess what i passed again and even the i got a call that in one of the test i got the top scores. i was then having this big hope of moving forward and everyone else surround me were also moving forward.. like probably 3 of them are also in the progress of moving forward. right there and then i thought thanks gos for giving me the oppurtunity to step forward where i even haven't hope for.
then the stage where i got into a group interview, where there's 20 other most of them got their relatives working as branch manager or manager, and have masters degree and stuff, where i got nothing but experience at small retailers. but even that was facing me i still have a strain of hope left as i believed that i have a magnificent god that can make a remarkable event with a person who have nothing. i always believe that.
but a week passed i got 2 major bad news calls, 1 is from the place where i work at, saying that i got no more work there and they didn't want me there anymore and this is nit because of me not being good, but because they want full time available casual, well i just accept it like that with not much consideration and thinking that it is sort of a good news in which if i got accepted at nab then i dont need to speak for quitting my current job. ahhahaha yes u can laugh it all loud then i got a call from nab that i wasnt accepted as well ahahhaha because others have more experienced then i am. ahahhahaha yes now i am joblesss.... yess that os right. jobless, finished school and hurt for all of it. it's as if i got a candy infront of me being told that you could have it but then it is taken away from me again,....
for 2 days i didnt left my room, i wanted to blame god but i cant cause i just cant, and i wanted to blame myself but i also cant, cause even in the first place i didnt eeven want the job and satisfied with myself, and the i want to cry but i cant cause that is just not mature. i still wanted to thank god though, that atleast i still have job as night filler
then i started to gain myself back by thinking allright that means it is a holiday for me, december passed and january comes and i tried again applying without even remembering where i applya hahahaha.. and then i got a call from hbf and bridal selection to come for an interview,
yup at the same day i got 2 interview, it started to make me be more happy then before. i didnt really wanted the job cause 1 is call center and u know call center and the other 1 is so far from house. then th hbf started to allure me in , by atteding the info night i started to liking the job they offer, and the time was abolutely what im looking for with the environment and the oppurtunity to able to step up.....
i am then thinking of continuing my studies here if i got accepted i started to liking the idea of continuing my studies here, with also the friend that i can be with if i stay here, with the church that i am welcome in and the environment that i love. i started to think maybe this is a beter plan got has for me.. yay it started to make sense. and then i go into the test stage and i guess what didn't get it again.. this time i felt like been knocked to the ground really hard its the seond time and his happened in the year where it is said as the golden year...
yuppp im heart broken again and harder as this time i started to hope for continuing studies here, and nw i just felt i wnated to go home directly. i dont know what to think i dont know what to feel i dont know hoe to say it, but i got supprt from friends and stuff it soothe me a little but still i felt like a failure again oooooo so i just watch movies day to night night to day, without having any progress and this is what i hate most having no progreesss.. goshhhh....
and because of this i cant write my resolution and i dont want to miss it, starting of the year started to end soon.. and i still havent had any resolution
however i wanted to share the things that soothe me, is that yes god never leaves you, goood things is that you become zero again in order to become more thats gods way, i can go back home wiht no attachment here probably and i dont know.
i would like to apologize to you god all i know is to compare me with others and complain and being such a jerk i know that if i havent done anything much for the changes i want then i shouldnt have complain but maje he changes. this are very true, and i shouldnt have lost faith with you cause all these trials i been through lately are nothing compare to what ive been through, i know lord you may have been ashamed by me one of your kids whose just a small candy taken away from her and its not even hers yet allready being grumpy
i should've been more faithfull and obidient to you lord i know that but help me go through this and now i realixze that i am nothing without your support and me being running away from you this coplus of weeks had resulted in bad2 outcome.. i know i've surrendered all of me to you, but it is easier said then done, lord teach me to be more like your son jesus...... teach me to really2 surrendered everything to you lord not just been said but to be done as well.. give me strength and new hpe, renewed my faith o lord... i love you and my love had to be mature lord, give me the knowledge to able to love you like a mature person.... and please dont be mad of me for what i've done i want to turn away from my sin from my selfishness from my bad characters from my complaintsss...
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